Attachment: Issues😘

I recently read this quote, "The longer she was gone, the more I realised why she ended it." I think it makes sense. The more time that passed, the more I realised I had to stop and see all the bad I couldn't see when we were together. The more time that passed, the more I realised that I was very blinded and I should've probably been more sensible. But I guess that was just me. Defending you to my friends every time you did something that broke me, everytime you did something that hurt me, I was the one who lied, so that they didn't hate you because if I didn't, even they shouldn't. But I guess I was wrong.

I shouldn't have done that. I should've not let everything go like my feelings didn't matter. I shouldn't have forgiven you for all those times I thought had I done this there was no chance in hell you would let it go that easy. But I get it. I was naive or I was too blinded by you to see anything past that haze of 'love'. "We accept the love we think we deserve." Well yes I did. But now I know, I don't need to settle because I am happy in my own skin. I am not sitting here listening to you criticise every single new thing I try to do. I am not sitting here listening to you tell me to talk properly or sit properly or that I don't look good. Now it's me who gets to decide if I want to try something new or not, how to sit, how to talk and if I look good or not. I just don't know when I let you have so much power over me. I realised very late I know but the worst part is, after all this, I did not leave you because I saw your fault, I left because we both wanted to.

I know you have done things that I will never forget, good things that I will probably never be able to forget but that is between me and you. I am not here to list out all the good because no one will do that. People will just point out the bad and you and I both know now, that I am just another one of them. People. To you.

I will not 'settle'. I will not accept the love I think I deserve because I am comfortable in my own skin. I know what love looks like now, even though I've not been given it, I've seen it and I've given it. To you. I don't regret it because at least it taught me what it was.

People say love is loud and passionate and happening all the time. I think it's quiet. I think it's calm and grows over time. I think love is all those silences we don't have to fill, I think love is all about thise smiles I put on your face and being happy just about the fact that I'm the reason you're smiling. I think love is not always a two way street even though it should be. But love doesn't work like that. It comes when you're least expecting it and you get to decide whether it stays, and whether this is what you deserve and accept.

One thing I learned from the past few years is, let life run it's course and don't forgive someone for something you know if you did to the same person, they wouldn't show you the same mercy. Don't take anything and everything because no that is not a part of the package. No it isn't a package deal. If it doesn't come with yours, it shouldn't come with theirs either. And most importantly, a person who loves you, would never intentionally hurt you just so that they can feel better about the last time you hurt them.

What I want is probably a lot, but I am in no rush. There were many things you should've done before because if I can, why didn't you. If I did, why didn't you. You didn't listen to the Taylor Swift songs I liked, but the songs you asked me to listen to, I listened to them on repeat and are still in my playlist. Everytime I hear those songs anywhere, my first thought is you, but I know that's not the case with you. We watched the movies you wanted, but never gave mine a try. We went to places you liked, we went with the friends who I now call mine but I remember when I asked you to go out with mine, all you gave me was a silence so deafening, it lasted a week. Finally that last day you decided to show up and expected me to be grateful for it. And guess what, I was. I guess you won there.

Eventually we stopped holding hands, we stopped being romantic, more platonic and I was supposed to be okay with that, we stopped talking for hours at an end and I was supposed to accept that, I did everything else to bid my time until you would call and now I can't do any of that anymore because you ruined it for me. You ruined a lot of things for me.

I was never a bitter person and neither am I bitter now, but I feel like a diary entry is not going to suffice. You involved yourself with someone else and I feel bad because she is doing everything I did, right?

I want to tell her that you should run as fast as you can, because I couldn't see it then and neither can she. But I see it all now that you're gone. You aren't a bad person, and I loved you, but I am glad we parted ways because you and I were never meant to be together. Your bitter friends who loved me while you did and hate me while you don't, make me wonder how shallow does a person have to be to be able to share so much time and so many memories with someone and in the end just give it all up because you did. They're now doing the same thing to her but I know she will not take it, I hope she does not take it.

I am a lot of things, I might be a liar, a bitch, but I am not immature and I am not selfish. I never once thought about myself and it was always you, you, you. Everytime you were rude to me because I hurt you, I never once was rude to you back. Because I was that patient, I remember asking in the sweetest way possible while hiding my tears, what I did that made you feel bad, but you didn't do that to me did you. You saw my tears and you cut the call and I sat there clutching my phone with only a blank screen in my hand.

Remembering all these things makes me feel better about leaving us and when I put this out, I know you will hate me for it, but I know if you do, you probably still care. But no, I don't hate you, I never could. I just hope that I fall for someone who my gut says is right and if he does the same things like you did, I know the first call will go to you again, but I just hope this time when you see my tears, you will not leave me alone again. Till then I will leave you two well enough alone. I will focus on not settling again because I cannot anymore. I can't have someone not even do the bare minimum and get by.

I think I need someone who will reassure me constantly, someone who will listen to me rant about my boos, someone who will not get bored of me narrating plots, someone who compliments me, even though he knows I cannot take them for the life of me. Someone who carries a jacket to give me when I feel cold because I don't, someone who walks to the other side of the road and pushes me inside, someone who calls me because they want to, someone who looks at me because I really don't want to. When we're angry, someone who will not yell at me, someone who will talk to me and not get mad, someone who communicates, someone who knows its him and me against the problem and not him against me. Someone who is caring because he wants to be, someone who is understanding, someone who listens to me when I talk because we both know I rarely do, someone who will let me interrupt me when they're talking and not finish his sentence till I do, someone who isn't ashamed of me, someone who doesn't tell me to not try new things, someone who will be honest with me, someone who I don't have to try to be around, someone who I don't have to force myself to be around, someone who is harsh when he has to be and gentle when he has to be, someone who knows when I want advice and when I just need to rant, someone who is open to me and who know how to prioritise. Someone who I can also be all these things for, someone who embraces my imperfect self and someone who I love for just being themselves and someone who loves me for me.